A relationship that is based on love should improve your quality of life, and it should improve your partner’s quality of life too. You should feel happy when you are in the company of your boyfriend or girlfriend. You should feel calm, pleased, and relaxed. You should look forward to the time that you get to spend together. In a healthy relationship, you should enjoy the conversations you share with one another.
Does that seem like your relationship? If so, I’m very glad for you, because it sounds like you have a very good partner, who adds to your life, rather than detracts from it. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship like that, and everyone deserves to find happiness with someone who can bring joy and pleasure into their life.
However not all relationships are like that unfortunately.
Perhaps you might find yourself in a relationship that does not improve your quality of life? Do you feel stressed when you are with your partner? Do you dread having to see them again? Are you in a relationship where you always have to be on your guard so that you don’t say the wrong thing? Are misunderstandings common between you and your partner? Does your partner spend more time bringing you down, rather than building you up? If so, it’s possible that your relationship is not as healthy as it should be.
Here are some common identifiers of troubled and unhealthy relationships. If you are unsure about your current situation, use this guide to check if something might not be quite right:
1.You always have to be careful about what you say, because your comments are often misinterpreted, causing your partner to get angry, sad, bitter or upset.
2. Small problems are magnified when you are with your partner. A dish being left out becomes a huge issue. Being late back from work becomes a major drama. A small discussion about where to go to dinner becomes the end of the world.
3. In your mind you think about things that you wanted to say. . but you knew that the repercussions would have been too extreme, so you kept silent instead.
4. You are careful with all your actions, because you know that something as slight as a glance at another person might be construed as an insult, or as an admission of infidelity.
5. You hide your goals and ambitions from you partner, because you know that if you mention them they will be met with scorn, mockery, or anger.
6. You put up with behavior from your partner that you wouldn’t accept from anyone else. You tolerate insults and mean criticisms from them that you would never allow from a friend or family member.
7. You are afraid of breaking up, because it would be too turbulent, but you fantasies about it often. You hope that something happens that causes the relationship come to an end, but you keep your desires well hidden from your partner, and never contemplate actually acting upon them.
8. Your partner is completely unable to function if you aren’t with them. If you are gone even for an hour or two, they descend into apathy or depression. When you return, they make you feel guilty for leaving them alone.
9. You feel that you can’t discuss your partners actions or comments at all, because even a slight query will be translated as harsh criticism.
10. Your partner is constantly telling you how stupid you are. Any comment you make is thrown back at you as being ridiculous, because you “don’t know what you’re talking about”.
11. If you ever admit to making a mistake, that mistake is brought up again and again as an example of how you “always screw everything up”.
12. Your partner always thinks that you have an ulterior motive for any action you take. If you do something nice for them, they think it’s because you are feeling guilty for some way that you must have wronged them. Every nice thing you do is an admission that you must have done something bad and hidden it from them.
13. If you ever want to do something that doesn’t involve your partner (reading a book, visiting family, going shopping with friends) your partner takes it as a personal affront; as an indication that you don’t want to spent time with them.
14. Your partner is physically abusive in any way.
15. Being with your partner is draining on you mentally and emotionally. You look forward to the time you spend alone, as that is the only time that you can relax.
16. You feel a decrease in your sexual desire. Where once you welcomed your partners advances, now you find them unappealing.
Did any of those seem to match your relationship? If so, then it might be time to make some changes.
The first step is to decide whether you actually want to salvage the relationship. If you feel that it has gone beyond what is reparable, then ending the relationship and breaking up might be the only solution. Remember: There is nothing wrong with letting go of something if it doesn’t work out.